It happens again. My son Tim breathes hard as his cough hardens. The rapid heaving of his tummy makes him weak and brings pain to his stomach muscles. I rub his back as I start to sing praises. I sing with all that’s in me. I lift up my soul and soon, tears are leaking out from a heart that surrenders everything. I release all – fears, worries, sadness, control. But this time it’s more than all that. It is also a cry for help, not only for my son, but also for myself. Because I ache to be true in my pursuit of Him.
I’ve been carrying that pain somewhere deep within me lately. I feel that all the things that I do – praise, worship, pray, read the Bible, write to share the Gospel, care for my family, encourage, nurture friendships – are not enough. Not enough to show the Lord that I’m true in everything I do. I want to examine deeply my motives why I do the things that I do. I want to weed out any trace of hypocrisy or farce in any aspect and part of my life. I believe that only then would I know I am a joy to the Lord and my relationship with Him is free from any obstacles.
I really can’t pinpoint on which aspect of my life I am not being totally true. Sometimes I catch myself asking, Do I really care for this person’s salvation or am I just doing what I need to do? Everyday, I strive to live a life pleasing to God. But I can’t deny the tug of the Spirit at my heart, sometimes reminding me and pointing out to me the real motives behind the things that I do. And I continue to carry a heavy heart and an emptiness somewhere deep within me until I have closely looked into every single motive behind every action.
So, I cry as I beg God to heal my son and I rip my heart open to Him thinking that in that way, I’m ripping up every veil that might be separating me from the floodgates of blessings opening wide and gushing upon my life.
We can never hide anything from our God. He knows the deep crevices of our hearts more than we do. We cannot fool Him at all. God is not mocked (Gal. 6:7). And the soul knows that.
The whisperings of the enemy are in fact a mirror or an indication of what and where we are weak of. He whispers that my blog is not growing by leaps and bounds unlike other devotional blogs whose followers are by the thousands. He prods me to think that I’m inferior, my writing is not pleasing and excellent, and there’s nothing I can do that could change the situation.
The enemy’s attempt to attack and bring one down can be the very thing that can make one stronger, wiser and sharper. These whisperings could actually bring one closer to God as one would be prodded to look deeper into oneself and one’s motives in the light of one’s service to God.
The enemy assays to bring our focus to ourselves and away from God. He makes us think that it is all about us – everything we do is for us, and of us, and to us, and by us. But all this brouhaha with the enemy can be completely silenced by declaring that he is a liar and the father of it (John 8:44). Nothing, absolutely nothing, that he whispers is true.
All that we are, and therefore, all that we do, is for Him, and “of Him, and through Him, and to Him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen” (Rom. 11:36).
And I do my best to stay attached to and focused on this fulcrum of truth upon which my life spins. This must be the sole gauge in all the things we do. I am His; all that I write come from Him; I set up this blog for His purposes; my life is all about Him, for His glory. Shall we dare steal some of that glory? God forbid! He saith, I am the Lord, that is My name; And My glory I will not give to another… (Is. 42:8).
I write to win souls for Christ, not to gain fame for myself.
So, we walk this journey knowing that the eyes of God are ever upon us. Whatever we learn in Church, that should be lived wherever we go. However we live outside of the walls of our homes, it should be the same when we’re inside of them. The early apostles had a word for it. Unfeigned love. (See 2 Cor. 6:6; 1 Pet. 1:22).
Additional readings: How to Truly Seek God and Live an Authentic Life
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Our Healing Moments 
Oh, Rina…I have also spent countless hours in prayer for my son, who is now 20. (and myself!) Isn’t it so easy to think that maybe I haven’t done or said enough to show my strength of commitment and love for my Savior? I have to constantly remind myself that, no matter how hard I try to show it, He already knows my heart and what I desire! Today, your son, Tom is in my prayers…for healing and peace!!
Blessings to you, sister in Christ!! Ann
I’m sorry, your son, Tim!! Praying for him now! ❤
PTL! I’m so blessed to have a sister-in Christ like you and your words of wisdom inspires me a lot in my daily lives. Praying for your son and to the rest of the family. God bless you, Sis.
Thank you so much, Sis. Cynthia for your love and thoughtfulness. This happened last week. Tim suffered the whole night of Tuesday and began to recover the next day. He went back to school last Monday – praise God!
God is amazing Rina! Remember how important our testimonies are; we overcome the enemy by our testimonies, the blood of the Lamb, & not loving our lives unto the death. I think these blogs are more about our testimonies & also fellowship with each other, not having large numbers of followers. We should always let the Lord handle our opportunities to witness & the “numbers” of followers. We are simply called to be faithful where we are! I’m working on my testimony on my blog & on being faithful to the Lord. Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia
Great comment, Cynthia, and a good reminder and encouragement, too! Amen to all these! Deeply grateful for your love and prayers. Blessings!
Rina, this rings true on so many aspects of my life. Thank you for writing this and providing affirmation that I’m on the right track with the way I’ve been thinking lately. I appreciate you and your writing so very much. Thanks
Beautiful sincere post Rina. Yes, sometimes it is good for us to check our hearts and motives re: writing but sometimes our enemy sends condemnation which is unjust too! I think many Christian Bloggers are going through a period of questioning, Am I doing this to receive the praise of man or as unto the glory of God?” We get hung up on visitors and comments sometimes (I know I have) and lose sight of our first love and our reason for writing. It’s an easy trap to fall into. However, so also is listening to the devil’s condemnation and lies in order to sidetrack us. These are 2 things to watch out for.
Finally, praise God Tim is feeling so much better and that he has such a loving and caring mother 😀
True, Wendy, that’s why there is a need for our spiritual “ears” to be always attuned to the voice of God, that still small voice, so that we are always ready to thrash out the enemy’s attacks.
God is calling us to a deeper walk–to live an authentic life. I so desire it in my own life. My focus is on God and I’m pressing on!
Your message shows an authentic heart reaching for our Lord in all corners of your life. You scrape it all down to the core of authentic sacrifice to our Lord and it humbles me. I, too, have prayed for my sons, with all that I know to give – and He meets me where I am and graciously helps me. Praying for Tim. Praying for healing – that the Holy Spirit breathes into his lungs, healing.
“He meets us where we are” – isn’t that the beauty of the grace of God in Christ Jesus? Ah, grateful!