It happens again. My son Tim breathes hard as his cough hardens. The rapid heaving of his tummy makes him weak and brings pain to his stomach muscles. I rub his back as I start to sing praises. I sing with all that’s in me. I lift up my soul and soon, tears are leaking out from a heart that surrenders everything. I release all – fears, worries, sadness, control. But this time it’s more than all that. It is also a cry for help, not only for my son, but also for myself. Because I ache to be true in my pursuit of Him.
I’ve been carrying that pain somewhere deep within me lately. I feel that all the things that I do – praise, worship, pray, read the Bible, write to share the Gospel, care for my family, encourage, nurture friendships – are not enough. Not enough to show the Lord that I’m true in everything I do. I want to examine deeply my motives why I do the things that I do. I want to weed out any trace of hypocrisy or farce in any aspect and part of my life. I believe that only then would I know I am a joy to the Lord and my relationship with Him is free from any obstacles.
I really can’t pinpoint on which aspect of my life I am not being totally true. Sometimes I catch myself asking, Do I really care for this person’s salvation or am I just doing what I need to do? Everyday, I strive to live a life pleasing to God. But I can’t deny the tug of the Spirit at my heart, sometimes reminding me and pointing out to me the real motives behind the things that I do. And I continue to carry a heavy heart and an emptiness somewhere deep within me until I have closely looked into every single motive behind every action.
So, I cry as I beg God to heal my son and I rip my heart open to Him thinking that in that way, I’m ripping up every veil that might be separating me from the floodgates of blessings opening wide and gushing upon my life.
We can never hide anything from our God. He knows the deep crevices of our hearts more than we do. We cannot fool Him at all. God is not mocked (Gal. 6:7). And the soul knows that.
The whisperings of the enemy are in fact a mirror or an indication of what and where we are weak of. He whispers that my blog is not growing by leaps and bounds unlike other devotional blogs whose followers are by the thousands. He prods me to think that I’m inferior, my writing is not pleasing and excellent, and there’s nothing I can do that could change the situation.
The enemy’s attempt to attack and bring one down can be the very thing that can make one stronger, wiser and sharper. These whisperings could actually bring one closer to God as one would be prodded to look deeper into oneself and one’s motives in the light of one’s service to God.
The enemy assays to bring our focus to ourselves and away from God. He makes us think that it is all about us – everything we do is for us, and of us, and to us, and by us. But all this brouhaha with the enemy can be completely silenced by declaring that he is a liar and the father of it (John 8:44). Nothing, absolutely nothing, that he whispers is true.
All that we are, and therefore, all that we do, is for Him, and “of Him, and through Him, and to Him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen” (Rom. 11:36).
And I do my best to stay attached to and focused on this fulcrum of truth upon which my life spins. This must be the sole gauge in all the things we do. I am His; all that I write come from Him; I set up this blog for His purposes; my life is all about Him, for His glory. Shall we dare steal some of that glory? God forbid! He saith, I am the Lord, that is My name; And My glory I will not give to another… (Is. 42:8).
I write to win souls for Christ, not to gain fame for myself.
So, we walk this journey knowing that the eyes of God are ever upon us. Whatever we learn in Church, that should be lived wherever we go. However we live outside of the walls of our homes, it should be the same when we’re inside of them. The early apostles had a word for it. Unfeigned love. (See 2 Cor. 6:6; 1 Pet. 1:22).
Additional readings: How to Truly Seek God and Live an Authentic Life