I could climb a hundred steps many times everyday as I left classrooms and/or library and went home to our ladies dorm. My heart was light, spirit always strong and believing, even though life in college was hard. (That is, when money was short and food sometimes wasn’t enough and still left me hungry). And I finished Bachelor of Science in Chemical Engineering with good grades and passed the board licensure exams with good rating, by the grace of God.
I could drive hundreds of miles to buy my father’s natural “anti-cancer” pills, then drove again for hours during the night to bring him home to the province because he already missed his bed. I could drive even when my eyes were blinded by pouring tears. My spirit was always strong and believing, even though my father was dying.
I kept visiting clients, presenting and discussing my products (active ingredients for the manufacture of cosmetics and personal care products), even though for more than two months there hadn’t been a single order, and I was just starting. My spirit was always strong and believing, after I had sobbed on my desk in my small apartment-office.
Then, success came, and I basked in its glory. I embraced the world, and the pleasures and endless options that it offered. Then I lost my way. And when I lost my way, I became crippled, both in body and in spirit. I could hardly climb more than three steps, and I could no longer drive.
The way to destruction was wide and very dark. It was so dark that I didn’t see the pit, and I fell hard to the bottom of it. I was alone in the pit, with cold, murky waters that made me tremble to the core in fear, and made me feel like I was drowning fast, and I didn’t know if there was anybody or anything that could help me and save me.
(Without Christ in our hearts, we could easily lose our way in the world, the world that “lies on wickedness”*, and we could easily become an easy prey of the “god of this world”**. The world is dangerous, success could deceive, and sin could kill).
I groped in the dark. The priest couldn’t do anything but point me to the psychiatrist, someone he used to see himself. Desperate, I went to see a psychiatrist (a different one from the one the priest recommended). When I left her office, I vowed never to return. But I still tried her many pills, little white rounds that she told me would lift the darkness and heaviness and blow the clouds away.
But her pills made me shake so hard my husband ( who was slowly returning home and helping me out) covered me with layers of thick comforters, and when that didn’t work, he pinned me down with his own weight. Then the pills took effect and I entered into a deep sleep.
Darkness. Sin. Overwhelming guilt. Great fear. Helplessness. Hopelessness. I had known them with tremendous familiarity.
When I awoke, I hated those pills. I knew I didn’t need them. Then I remembered the Jesus that was vaguely introduced to me in college, and whom I had read about for a short time during those years, and I uttered a prayer in my heart.
“Lord Jesus, please help me. I believe in You. I’m here. You can find me here…”
One blessed Saturday afternoon, His light came shining on our home that had become my only world. He brought me to my “Jordan River”, and there He washed me of ALL the sin that was weighing down heavily upon me. He took it ALL upon Himself: the sin, the sting, the shame, the punishment, the death. My death. He died my death so I could live.
And when I came out of the water, He was there waiting for me with arms wide open.
My Savior came mightily when I was at hell’s gates and whisked me away, and opened salvation’s gate for me.
Jesus’ love for me is this: that He loved me and cared for me so much He didn’t allow me to be thrown into hell and perish, because He wanted me to spend eternity with Him.
It took over two years before I could bask in God’s healing grace. When I learned to walk again, both physically and spiritually, I was completely a new creation, but always leaning on Jesus’ strong arms.
I wanted my career back, but my Lord said “No”, and I cried hard, like a little child who had lost her most-cherished toy.
He wanted me to realize that He is enough for me. That knowing Him, walking with Him, and serving Him by being a light to others should already make my life meaningful and fulfilled.
Now, I’ve learned to embrace this truth: that knowing Jesus and His love and great mercy is the best thing that ever happened to me. My career is gone and my work forgotten – the things that used to define me – but I’m not lost, for I’m found in Him. I lost the “excellency” of a stellar career to gain the most excellent of all: knowing Christ and abiding in Him.
…I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,
And be found in Him… (Phil. 3:8, portion of 9)
I lost the identity of being a successful business-and-careerwoman to gain the identity of being God’s true child – saved and beloved.
- *Please see 1 John 5:19.
- **Please see 2 Cor. 4:4.
- Related posts: About Me; Only Jesus; A Time of Anonymity
- “Shepherd and Lamb” photo taken from here.